"No man likes a slut for long; only the worst type will marry one. And competition for men on the outside is
-Sidney Poitier, "To Sir, with Love"
Part three, of our triptych ends with an open letter of sorts...
As to be expected, many of my daily commentaries appearing at Very Smart Brothas and other select outlets online and elsewhere, can and often do upset many of the lady readership, frequently eliciting charges of "misogyny" and the like. While I often find such sputtering, hystrionics and irate remarks amusing, there are times that a lady will say something in response to my arguments that are born more of frustration and/or exasperation, and wants to get a better handle on that which I have powerfully presented. And although I do not consider myself a "relationship expert", Black or otherwise, in the least, and while I consider my self-appointed mission being more to empower and enlighten my Brothas in the areas of life that matters most, if a lady approaches me with a concern, I cannot turn her away - especially if the cause of her stepping to me was my widely-read writings in the first place.
"camilleblu on 4 June, 2013 at 9:50 am said:
i have a serious question…so if i am self-sufficient and accomplished, mentally sound, in shape, and
attractive, i am doing myself some kind of disservice by seeking a potential s.o. that mirrors (for lack of a
better term) these attributes? i’m kicking my own @ss out the game b/c my standards are too high,
correct? i should just be concerned with dating whatever joe blow comes my way and wants to give me
the time of day? or is it ok for me to have some type of standard, but just not expect my male equivalent?
and at the same time i’m supposed to do everything in my power to maintain/enhance whatever attractive
qualities that i have while simultaneously lowering my standards tooooo…..what level exactly?? how low am
i supposed to go?? so on one hand, women are kidding ourselves b/c the vast majority of us aren’t bringing
anything of substance to the table, but really the substance doesn’t matter, b/c it’s all about being as
beautiful as possible for as long as possible while we try to stay in the game to attract the lowest common
denominator in men??"
My response is as follows:
Dear Ms. Camille,
In no way should you "settle" for a Man you don't want and/or are not interested in; the only thing that will result in this is two hurt people, yourself and the gent in question, of course. Your doing something like that is also a kind of robbery, in that you're taking a guy from a lady out there who might be pleased as punch to have him. So, by no means, am I arguing that you, or any other lady, settle for Mr. Joe Blow.
Having said that, what I AM saying, and by now I hope I'd have made this crystal clear, that a ginormous problem in our time is that far too many Women have an overinflated estimate of their SMV (Sexual Mate Value), due to the many interventions that have come down the pike over the past half century, coupled with the vast and rapidly-gained-paced sociopolitical movements that have taken place over the same amount of time - this is why even Champ and Panama have entitled their book "Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night". It is their humorous attempt to say what I chose to impart with cold efficiency - if you're not Hawt, you need to stay in your lane.
And, how do you know if you're indeed Hawt or not? The answer to that question, is very simple, my dear - simply note the calibre of gents orbiting you. Are they topshelf? Are the upper echelons of the ladies in their milieu attempting to be part of their court? If so, congrats!-you're indeed the Sugar Honey Iced Tea. On the other hand, if this isn't the case, and you find yourself attracting more Toads than Princes, then what I'm saying to you today should give you pause.
The other thing to consider is the fact that Time and Place matters - a lot. Let's take these factors in turn.
Time: Women as a group, and on average, have the most bargaining power out on the open mating market between the ages of 18 and 32 or so; after that, said bargaining power begins to diminish, some more rapidly than others. When a Woman gets to be around the latter 30s-early 40s range, her bargaining power for "age appropriate" Men has greatly diminished, notable exceptions notwithstanding, of course (and this is especially the case if she's got kid(s). She can more easily work around this if she's a divorcee; if, on the other hand, she a Baby Mama, whew, that's gonna be a tough nut to crack, especially in the case of going for the more desirable Brothas.).
In this case, their best bet is to go older, i.e., go for Men who are older than themselves - at least five years older, and preferrably upwards of a decade or more. Remember, one of the most powerful weapons in a Woman's seduction arsenal is her (relative) Youth; if you're a Woman who is older herself, you'll get the biggest bang for your buck by going for guys who are older than yourself. For example, I happen to know a Woman who is nearing 50 (and looks good for her age, I must say), who is mated with a Man who is in his early 60s (I think he just turned 60 a month or so ago). Both are happy as clams, because both get their hardwired needs met: he gets a relatively young chippie who's at least a decade (more like a dozen years) younger than himself; and she gets a Man with formidable experience in/with handling Women inside and out of the bedroom, who has considerable social status (had a TV show and is now a local talk radio personality, long political activist roots, etc, et al), who has nevertheless kept himself up healthwise and has other attractive qualities. A big problem with many Women is that they (1) keep thinking they're the same Woman they were some 15-20 years ago, and they're most assuredly not; and (2), they think that what makes for an attractive mate in their mind, is what makes for an attractive mate in the minds of Men, too - NOT, LOL. Please do not let the fellas fool you, because Men can and will LIE to you and tell you what you want to hear - being self-sufficient, sane, et al, only matters, IF YOU'RE RELATIVELY HAWT.
The big problem Women who are a bit older have, are actually several, one of which I've outlined above; but here's another:
Your biggest competition is going to come from Women who are a full decade or more, than you. Luckily for you, being a Sista, if you're able to get a handle on the weight thing, you'll pull ahead of a great many Sistas today, and that goes for the younger ones, too. In fact, just being a dress size or two slimmer than most Sistas walking around, regardless of age, will make a huge difference. This point cannot be emphasized enough - being shapely (which is different from being "in shape", which, to my mind, connotes a "hard body" look that isn't particularly appealing to yours truly; your mileage may vary), i.e. getting that WHR (Waist to Hip Ratio) right and all the other things that Sistas can do to make themselves look good, will really set you apart from the rest of the pack out there (for Brothas particularly, this WHR thing is HUGE - do whatever you gotta to get it. Wear Spanx, oldtime girdles, etc). *WEAR DRESSES*. Men. Like. Dresses.
Place: You gotta put yourself where the guys you want actually are. You can't be mad about attracting nothing but scrubs if you're where scrubs mostly be. And if you're going to be in a tough Black Female Market, like NYC, than you really have to be a high flyer along the lines I've noted above - because NYC is a Player's Paradise, let me tell you. For whatever reason, Women seem to have problems with going to where the Sex Ratio is a bit more favorable to them - they tend to flock to the big cities, like NYC, ATL, LA, Chitown, etc, where there will be far more Women to Men, then wonder why they keep getting Pumped & Dumped.
Now, to the hard part - Settling. When I say "lower your standards" I DO NOT MEAN, you get with Mudfoot. I am saying that you have to take Human Sociosexual Dynamics into account. You, getting with a carbon copy of yourself only ensures you getting neglected at best, cheated on like Bill did Hillary, like Tiger did Ellen, like John did Elizabeth, at worst. You don't want that to happen, do you?
A Woman should aim for a Man who's a point or two below her *on the looks scale*. Remember, a Woman's sexual attraction triggers are like an Astin Martin V12 engine, while a Man's sexual attraction triggers are like a Briggs and Stratton two-stroke one. So, let's say you're a 6 - you want to go for a guy who's a 4-5 in looks, and has other stuff that "hits the other cylinders", you see what I'm saying? This will ensure him being sexually attracted to you over the longhaul, because, YES, we are thinking that far ahead and extrapolating that in terms of Opportunity Costs Per Notch being given up.
Now, what I'm saying here is particularly difficult for Black Women in particular, because they have a marked tendency to really go for above-average "pretty" Men - much more so than, say, Asian, Hispanic or White Women (and thus, yet another reason as to why it's so difficult for so many Black Women to get er done - see here for more on that...) - and I have a number of theories as to why that is - but for those Sistas who can grok what I'm saying here, they will notice things being a heck of a lot smoother for them overall than for their Sistas who cling to doing things the same ole way and thus reaping the same ole harvest of Pump & Dumps. Trust me when I tell you, getting with a guy who is as good looking as you, or worse, better looking than you, will only cause you lots of grief and drama.
So, let's sum up:
1. No one is saying that you should get with Joe Blow or Mudfoot.
2. Your accomplishments are not what Men care about.
3. Looking good matters - a lot.
4. Being shapely - regardless of dress size - matters. A lot. A size 4 or a size 14 doesn't matter; what matters is you having as small a waist as you can pull off, while at the same time them hips and backside is bangin'. Spanx is your friend.
5. The older you are as a Woman - and by "older" we're talking anything over 35 - the more competition you will face for Men among the Chippies. The good news, is since you're a Sista and most Brothas like Sistas and most Sistas have weight problems these days, you being just a dress size or two smaller/slimmer will give you an edge. Along with Sephora.
6. Men like Dresses. On you, not them. Make em classy - dresses that are too form-fitting/slinky gives the wrong impression. Sexy and Slutty are two very different things.
7. The older you are, the older your guy needs to be.
8. Location, location, location.
9. You attract what you are. Think on it.
10. "Lower your standards" means, getting with a guy who is one to two points lower than you on the looks scale.
Good luck...and adjourn your arse...