In my previous post on the topic, longtime commenter and O-Man
Dragnet, who is the subject of the post, asked who I was referring to when I said that since Brothas like him - good looking, highly educated and White Collar employed, were talked about but rarely talked to - so I decided to pen another post zeroing in on that oh-so-elusive Educated Brotha; for purposes of this discussion, I decided to use Dragnet as our representative. I hope he doesn't mind.
My initial reason for using Dragnet, was because of the woefully wrong premise(s) Banks raises in his book - he says that Brothas like Dragnet are not only in low supply, but when found aren't particularly interested in marrying their Sista counterparts, mainly because of the perverse sex ratios that obtain between the two groups. He makes these claims, yet by his own admission he doesn't spend a heck of a lot of time interviewing Brothas in general, and Brothas like Dragnet in particular; per Banks' comments during live interviews and by his own hand via his book, what Brothas have to say simply isn't as "rich" as that which Sistas report.
Personally, I say Bollocks on all that.
I think there are other reasons as to why Banks simply didn't have too much fire in the belly to really do something groundbreaking in the umpteen parsecs-wide literature on "Black Relationships" - and that has to do with the fact that he, like others we know, have a dog in the fight. That's right, the good professor has two sisters who are Sista Spinsters, and he's determined to find out why they are, where they are.
So, whenever I feel myself really feeling some kind of way about something, it is a sign that I need to get off my behind and DO SOMETHING. And, I've decided to do just that - I have reached out to a few other Brothas who are in one way or another in the Afrosphere, to assist me in interviewing those Brothas Prof. Banks just didn't think were "rich" enough to be heard; we WILL have their voices heard, and get to the bottom of exactly why Sistas like his sisters wind up...alone.
So, the focus here on Dragnet is the beginning, the starting point - and as we continue this series, I would like it very much for all the other Brothas reading along, to please, Step Up and Speak Up. I need your help; lift up your voices and come on with it. If you truly agree with what the good professor has said, then say so; if, on the other hand, you think what the professor has said is a bunch of bunk, you need to step up front and lay out in no uncertain terms why.
By all means email me your thoughts, comments, observations, anecdotes, etc, et al, at theobsidianfiles@hotmail.com; I'll post them up to the O-Files and take things from there. Please pass the word along to other Brothas you know; let them know that there is a blog devoted to getting their voices out there on topics like these, and tell them to step up/speak up as well. Banks has said that he wants to spark a real conversation surrounding issues of relationships and marriage in Black America, particularly among its Buppie contingent; this is our chance to give him exactly that.
Back to Dragnet...
There are so many things I want to say here, but you know what? I think it's better for Dragnet himself to run it. So, Dragnet, by all means, use the comments to give your take on all that Banks has said. Let's start with a few easy ones:
1. Banks makes the contention that Brothas like you date and marry out (White Women in particular and in the main) at much higher rates than do Sistas, but he doesn't mention why (no doubt, said reasons weren't "rich" enough); so I thought to ask you, since you've been known to date a flaxen-haired lass or two (and probably know at least a few other Brothas who've done same); what's up with that? Why DO Brothas such as yourself, tending to date and/or marry out in the numbers you do?
2. Banks argues that, if it were not for so many Brothas locked up, dead or on drugs, there would be more Brothas like you to go around for needy and deserving Sista Spinsters. What do you make of that premise - do you think its spot on, or all wet?
3. Why do YOU think so many Sistas of the cohort Banks is focusing in on are...alone? Do you agree with him that it's due to the things Banks has laidout in his book, or do you think other factors are at play - and if the latter, what are they, and why?
"Banks writes that black women marrying out will put pressure on black men to "man up". What he's basically saying is that the actions black women take can influence the behavior of black men.
But black men have been arguing this point for the longest time, except we've been getting called misogynsts when we do it. It's obviously that a lot black men don't care about college because too many black women want to fuck thugs and rappers, and that if black women would stop dating thugs and dealers that young black boys would start getting jobs and degrees with a quickness.
It's interesting that black women don't mind taking responsibility when doing so would enable them to, in theory, marry white men. But when taking responsibility would mean they'd have to take up with betas, all of sudden they can't be held responsible in any way for the behavior of black men."
The bolded part is something that I'd really like to zero-in on here; while I see exactly what you mean, I think you might have gone a bit purple here. Let me see if I can backtrack a bit and "translate" a bit what you meant:
Many Sistas, when in college,
tend NOT to find the more nerdy, less fashionable, un-"swagged" Brothas to be suitable mates, and instead tend to favor Brothas who display traits that we in the PUA/Game/Manosphere refer to as
"Alpha" - guys who play sports (particularly basketball and football), guys who pledge in frats (particularly
Q-Dogs), guys who are either really good looking and/or have a finely attuned fashion sense (and hence tend not to be on the "living in your head" track that a lot of the STEM majors tend to be about), to say nothing of being more outgoing, more risk taking, etc et al. These Sistas aren't going after "thugs and rappers"; they're going after the kinds of Brothas who are more likely to display the
Dark Triad traits, and forego the more sedate, introverted, and yeah,
nerdy Brothas (of which there is a not insignificant number - something else I intend to discuss at length, very soon - stay tuned!). I think this is what you really meant, Dragnet, and I think that if most Sistas were to be brutally honest about this, they would get this point. I think it's an area rich for real discussion.
What do you think?
Finally...
I would very much like to get your response to
this series of statements by
Ms. Jhane Sez; is this anything you or the highly educated Brothas you know recognize?
"Black women were told, not by society or feminist, but the black community and black men that if they followed the check list of achievements that they would be ideal mates...When I was in college in the 90’s it was not at all uncommon for black men to say that the only way they would let a woman stay home and fulfill a traditional role was if she could perform alchemy...And so all that sistas went after was a direct result of what they were told was required in order to obtain marriage from black men... many times regardless of his educational background."
Dragnet, have you or any other Brotha you know - we're talking Brothas like yourself now - made it a prerequisite that any Sista looking to get with him had to first graduate from a top-tier uni Magna Cum Laude and then have a great career? I'm just very curious in light of Jhane's (and her partner in crime Malia's) comments...
Again, there's so much more that I could say, but I really want to hand it over to you. Hopefully, this conversation will be the spark that will get Brothas talking for real out in the light of day! Thanks for allowing me to use you as a guinea pig here. Much appreciated!
Now adjourn your asses...
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