"The game done changed."
"The game is the same; it just got more fierce."
I had quick question for you. Lately I have been having a problem with the guys I'm dating. One guy I really REALLY liked suddenly stopped calling. I don't have a problem initially attracting these guys but after 3 or so dates many just fade out. I always put my best foot forward looks-wise, especially on dates. Dresses, makeup, heels/feminine shoes, ect.
This particular guy had everything I wanted (on paper) in a man. On dates he would always pay, he would call me(I never had to call/wonder about him), and set up for next time. On our last outing he took me to the aquarium and then we had a fancy 3-course steak dinner at an upscale restaurant. That was 2 weeks ago and i have heard from him since. I'm not going to blow up his phone, because if he wants to see me he knows how/where to find me.
Its just weird because we always had good conversation, we had a lot in common, and laughed/joked a lot.
My question to you is this: in your experience, what causes a man to do a 180 on a woman? Why invest time and money into a woman and then just disappear?
PS this might be important but the most we did was hug and kiss, no fondling and definitely no sex.
I received the above email over the weekend from one of my lady readers; though the O-Files is a forum that caters to the needs and interests of (Black) Men, the fact of the matter is that I do have a sizable presence of lady readers (and occasional commenters) like the one above; one crude measure of this fact is in noting my Twitter account; at present, roughly half of my followers are female. While this might seem odd, given my own stated mission, it in fact makes perfect sense when one considers the fact that when Women want the straight dope as to how it all goes down on the mating grounds of early 21st century life, they go to Men, and rightly so, because unlike many of their girlfriends, us fellas can and often will tell the ladies what they need to hear - not what they want to hear.
At least, that's how the O-Man does it.
So, with all that said, we now turn to answer this lady's query - and from what I can tell, especially her parting shot, it looks like she answered her own question; simply, and admittedly crudely put, Men With Options, simply aren't gonna hang around past Date Three without any drawls coming off.
It may sound trite, but in so many ways, what the lady is suffering above, is the ongoing fallout from the "Free Love" era of the latter 60s-mid-70s; the Sexual Revolution is still very much with us, this time in the guise of "sex positive Feminism", and it HAS brought about some good bennies: Women in particular had unprecedented control over their reproductive lives, and with it, more of a say in whom they would choose and select, not just for longterm mates, but for short term ones, too. Indeed, back in the day - some 50 years ago - if a Man was a good provider and would "love the kids", he was seen as a strong prospect for a young lady, and the surrounding culture strongly encouraged her to "hop on it".
Not so today - aside from Womens' own ambitions in the way of expanded educational and career opportunites, they also have the ability to demand more in any potential romantic suitors - things like physical appearance, social awareness/dominance, empathy/kindness/understanding, *being good in bed*, as well as the aforementioned ability to be a good provider, now are seen by many Women as "givens"; fewer Women are willing to make tradeoffs that were silently understood not even a half century ago.
All of these developments, and many more, have been very good things, not just for Women, but for all of us - the couples that are together today, are much happier then they were in the past; but there are downsides to all of this, too. For example, there are fewer couples than there were in the past; and those couples who are together, tend to skew older than younger, with the added side effect that fewer children are born within wedlock, anyway.
Then, there's the fact that there are many Women, like our lady above, who, while she might appreciate some of the things sex-positive Feminism and the like have made possible for her, may not like the fact that one of the downsides is having to put out much sooner than she would have liked. That is what she is facing here, and to be frank, there just aren't any easy answers to any of this. Look, for better or for worse, the dating game has changed. In fact, the dating game, such as it is, is on life support, if not DOA, and in large part due to the social/economic/political forces mentioned above. No dis to the lady above, but I gotta tell ya, it's hard for a guy to hear on the one hand about how strong and independent Women today are, and on the other how they're still so "old fashioned" - which is a nice way of saying, that they still expect the guy to do all the things his grandpop back in the day did. Of course, few ladies of today are lining up to do what their grandmas did either. As I've written about fairly extensively before, a lot of guys are slowly but surely wising up to the fact that doing what their dads and pop-pops did back in the day, simply doesn't work as much as it used to - and in many cases, more than we'd like to admit, it doesn't work at all. The Guys With Options, simply put, don't have to kickout for lavish dinners and the like, at least not without the knowledge that YES, they WILL be all up in that at the end of the evening; today, the guys who go all in are the ones that, ironically enough, the ladies DON'T want like that. And that's not even taking into account the Deception Factor, something else I've written about, and which explains a goodly bit of what we see today on these fronts. For every lady who's like the one above, there are at least one who can and will "have fun" on a Man's dime and lead him on into thinking that he had a chance when in reality, he never did. What do you think those guys are going to do when they find out the truth - do you honestly think that they're going to want to wine and dine our lady above? Or do you think they're likely to go another route?
It's a heck of a situation, and again, I offer no easy answers; I cannot tell this Woman above, or any other, to do or not to do, thus and so. What I can tell her, and any other ladies reading along, is that the game done changed - and those who fail to change with it, for better or for worse, have decided to put themselves at a serious disadvantage on the mating market. Those Women who fail to put out strategically risk losing out to those Women who see the handwriting on the wall, get what they deem to be a good guy, and put it on him; meanwhile, those ladies who for whatever reason don't do this, will only increase their chances of getting older with each passing year, and with it, less bargaining power out on the open mating market; and those Men who fail to learn GAME, improve their appearance, social skills, etc., run the risk of losing out to those Men who get it, and instead joining the ranks of bachelors who lacked what Women in our time have made clear they want and in some cases, outright demand.
As much as I may want to say to the lady above that someday your prince will come, the simple truth of the matter is that you and only you, can and should decide how all of this is going down. You have to ask if you can afford to let the guy - who by your own admission, had everything you wanted - slip through your fingers, and to be frank quite likely fall into the hands of a competitor (because, let's face it, and for Women especially, if you've got eyes on a guy, chances are very high there are other ladies who do, too). There are quite a few ladies who've answered such a question in the affirmative, and by all accounts that strategy hasn't yielded the desired results, if by that term we mean, getting them the Man they wanted, and failing that, depending on their age, etc, getting them a Man at all.
But there are always exceptions to the rule.
Perhaps, you will be one of them?
Now adjourn your arses...