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Monday, August 12th 2013

5:55 AM

Where The Brothas Ain't

"Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it..."

As a result of my inexorable involvement with the world of Social Media - and more precisely its Black variant(s) - I've had the wonderful opportunity to bear witness to a number of very interesting developments along sociosexual lines. 

One of the consistent themes I've been seeing of late, is the open lamenting on the part of Sistas, quite a few of whom are attractive and accomplished, about the dearth of (read: eligible, attractive) Brothas, and when they are in the round, why they won't make any approaches. Such topics are, as many of you well know, are right in yours truly's wheelhouse, and I was quite keen to weigh in and give my take on why the ladies were seeing what they were seeing. If they're reading this right now, they might consider reviewing this and this for more on my arguments regarding this point. 

But to expand on the above links, and to sum up my view (and what appears to be the accuracy of my predictions along these lines): simply put, all of the campaigns to get Men, in this case, Black Men, to "act right" have actually...

...wait for it...

worked. 

Contrary to what we've been led to believe along these lines by an increasingly irrelevant mainstream media, the facts of the matter are, that in so many ways, it's never been a better time to be a Woman - White, or Black. Forcible rates of rape have dropped like a stone since stats on the crime have been reliably recorded in the early 70s; efforts to address date/marital rape and other forms of sexual assault have also made a huge impact, in large part due to the raising of social and legal costs for offenders to engage in such acts. The American public, of which Women of all colors and backgrounds play an increasingly active role, have made it clear that they will not cotton to the "bad behaviors" of notable Men, such as Anthony Weiner and the like; sexual harassment and now in more recent years, street harassment campaigns, have indeed made an impact - fewer Women are being put upon on the job or on the street and other public places, markedly less, than they were, only a few decades ago. 

All of these developments, many of them due directly to the efforts of Feminists of varying stripe and their allies, quite of few of themselves being male, have proven successful. Sure, we all can point to sensational cases, like what happened earlier this year out in Ohio, or we can lament the number of assaults, attempted or completed, that go unreported - granted. Nevertheless, the fact that Black Women are openly bemoaning the absence of (read: eligible, desirable) Brothas to chat up and dance with, to say nothing of those who will "show up" to take them out on dates and the like, are reflective of what I have long argued and is no stranger to regular readers of my humble missives:

The "mission" has worked - *too well*. Men, Black and increasingly White, have gotten the message. 

What "message" am I referring to, some of you may ask?


By now, surely you've heard, if not seen the famed Saturday Night Live skit, written by Tina Fey and starring NFL legend Tom Brady. The message is undeniable, and it has gotten and continues to get millions of YouTube views and laughs, because its so bracingly true:

"Be handsome; be attractive; don't be unattractive.'

And what that means, is in the eyes of the (lady) beholder, so no there is no one way to "know" beforehand...sorta.

Right?

In truth, we all DO know what is deemed to be attractive to the Sistas, now don't we? How many of us don't know about the "lists" that so many Sistas - and let's put a finer point on the spear here, Sistas of a particular cohort (upwardly mobile, professional, educated Black Women) - have and are only too eager to inform you they have, when it comes to the (Black) Men they wish would make that approach? Black Women of this particular cohort have been quite vocal and crystal clear, as to what they find desirable in a Brotha, and what they definitely do NOT find desirable in a Brotha, and if you happen to fall into the latter category, you need not even apply - doing so could land you in a world of relative hurt - from being "creep-shamed", to losing your job, or worse. 

What many of my Sistas need to understand is that the changes that they and many other (read: White) Women have wanted and clamored for along these lines have indeed worked - fewer and fewer Men, and that includes Brothas, are acting outta pocket - less sexual and street harassment, less rapes and rape attempts, less "creepy" behaviors - but it all comes at a price. And that price is fewer Men, in this case, Brothas, bothering to "show up" at all due to all the "messaging" they've gotten: "Be handsome; be attractive; don't be unattractive".

Now, many Sistas reading the above will rightly point out that there's a middle ground between acting like a creep or a douchebag, and acting in socially appropriate ways when dealing with Women in the social spheres like work, school and even out on the street, and I wouldn't disagree - but here's the problem they're either not seeing, or perhaps won't see:

For many Men, and this includes Brothas, you really don't know what you're dealing with in terms of interacting with a Woman, until you, you know, interact with a Woman - and what if she deems you to be the Wrong Kind of Guy to be stepping to her for any reason? For every Woman out there who will respond by saying that they wouldn't flipout on a guy for merely interacting in a socially appropriate way on the job or on the street or even at the club, every Man here knows what I'm talking about - you are literally taking a roll of the dice everytime you open your mouth (and in some cases, depending on the Woman in question), or even just look at a Woman - in many ways, you are gambling with your life, because it has become increasingly ruinous for a Man to make a faux pas these days. 

Sure, many Sistas will see the above as an excuse for being a weak-willed sap and having no backbone: "Man Up!" many of them will exclaim. No doubt, such Men exist. But the larger point is that there are at least as many Men out there who will rightly look at the changing sociosexual landscape and get the message that they might as well not even bother, since they lack that which many Women, in this case Sistas, have made repeatedly clear they desire, and just stay home altogether. Simply put, there are increasingly fewer incentives for most Men to interact with Women in our time, and a growing list of disincentives, for merely being the Wrong Kind of Guy. 

And so, as they so often do, Brothas have been and continue to quietly vote with their feet. 

That leaves the small pool of highly desirable Brothas left that the Sistas have made clear they wish to interact with - but that presents a problem as well, albeit one that, at least to date, the Sistas haven't made too much of a stink out of:

Simply doing the math, there just aren't enough of these Brothas to go around; indeed, at organized "meet market events" arranged by various well-known Black relationship experts, it is not at all unusual to have a Sista to Brotha ratio of 6 to 1(!) - or to put it another way, you can have as many as 300 Sistas and only 50 Brothas showing up at all(!!) - and assuming all of those Brothas are the Right Guys, that means that some 250 ladies will go lacking altogether...unless they're willing to share and share alike. 

And all the available evidence we have on that score seems to suggest that quite a few Sistas are willing to do just that...for the Right Kind of Guy. 

To be sure, there are other reasons as to why Sistas of a particular cohort are finding themselves in an increasingly difficult mating market these days: effective sex ratios relative to their geographical location plays a role, as does age, not just of themselves but of Brothas as well, and of course their own market value with which to barter in terms of the kinds of Brothas they can attract, to name just a few factors, play a role as well. 

But the point IS made, and let's not fool ourselves: the goals of Feminism, not only have worked, they've worked almost too well. The idea that Men, in this case Black ones, don't or aren't listening, is patently untrue.

The disappearance of Brothas from Black social life along these lines, proves it. 

Enjoy, ladies. 

Now adjourn your arses...

The Obsidian
59 comment(s).

Posted by TedD:

sounds like its good to show up at organized singles events! if there is a 6 to 1 ratio, all you need to get lucky is a job, your teeth, and the ability to have a conversation! lol...

on a serious note, this strikes me very much as a "be careful what you wish for" scenario... women only wanted to be hit on by alpha studs, but they didn't bother to count them before they pushed the other men aside. bad math skills?
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 9:43 AM

Posted by Obsidian:

@Ted:
"sounds like its good to show up at organized singles events! if there is a 6 to 1 ratio, all you need to get lucky is a job, your teeth, and the ability to have a conversation! lol..."

O: You know, one would think it would be just that easy...but I can tell you that many of these experts and coaches will say something completely different. Now, we both know just how pervasive the Blue Pill take is out there, so many of those coaches and the like won't come at it the way we would. But yea, what I'm saying here is part - a big part - of the equation. And if the Sistas keep putting it out there as to what kind of Brothas they're wanting and don't want, many Brothas can and will simply walk.

"on a serious note, this strikes me very much as a "be careful what you wish for" scenario... women only wanted to be hit on by alpha studs, but they didn't bother to count them before they pushed the other men aside. bad math skills?"

O: Kinda, LOL. Well, as Roger Devlin said, Women naturally have a kind of "erotic field of view", which makes a lot of sense, as Women by and large don't have as keen visual-spatial skills as do Men on average. Lots of Women don't realize, consciously, that what they're wanting most in hindbrain terms, is by definition very rare among Men. This means that even after you've "cleared the field", you don't have many Men left who can or is willing to step up and who meets the bill.

Hence, what we have out there on these streets these days.

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 10:29 AM

Posted by The CPT:

"...if the Sistas keep putting it out there as to what kind of Brothas they're wanting and don't want, many Brothas can and will simply walk."

Even they trip over their own feet sometimes. We (single, employed, black and attractive men) are asked to ignore children from previous uncommited relationships, tattoos, overdone/unflattering appearances, senses of entitlement, etc. (love me for me) yet will easily be disqualified because our ice isn't cold enough. That is life of course, but look at what's left.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 11:05 AM

Posted by Obsidian:

@CPT:"Even they trip over their own feet sometimes. We (single, employed, black and attractive men) are asked to ignore children from previous uncommited relationships, tattoos, overdone/unflattering appearances, senses of entitlement, etc. (love me for me) yet will easily be disqualified because our ice isn't cold enough. That is life of course, but look at what's left."

O: Boom!

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 11:41 AM

Posted by Obsidian:

This just in, from an all-Black Male forum online that I'm a member of, and that directly speaks to today's post; another Brotha member says the following:

"I also had a female friend that had an event here in (fairly large Midwestern city)...."There are still good blackmen"...the premise was to invite all the single blackwoman in st.Louis...for a panel discussion with "eligible" single black men. I predicted this event would have DISASTROUS outcomes. They held the event of all places...at the Kappa House.

I knew it was gonna be bad cause the men and women had two sets of agendas. Any bm now has atleast 5 women on deck...unless he's a weirdo. Its pretty much a numbers game.

It was packed, 200 single woman looking for their superman, while there were 50 hand picked "single" dudes. When it was all said and done...half the dudes weren't single at all...the other half were just greedy and using it as a hook up medium...the agendas of the men and woman were off base."

Comments?

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 1:31 PM

Posted by Star Child:

Hello, Obsidian:

I've been reading your blog and your comments over at VSB for awhile now and I want to thank you for waking me up to the realities of dating/relationships in the black community(both online and IRL). I'm certainly not a RED PILL yet and I'm completley new to this whole PUA/Game ideology; however, the logic of what you say in your posts rings true with me.

I wasn't aware in the past that I've been 'voting with my feet' but it looks like I have been doing this for quite some time now. Unfortunately for me, I fall within the 'nerdy' catagory and as a black man this relegates me nearly invisible as it pertains to black women.

I'll continue to read your postings and work on getting my game, confidence, and my body(via working out on a regular basis) together in order to effectively compete and have a real chance at getting the type of woman I desire.

By the way, be sure to include me amoung the 'brothers who read' and would happily purchase any book or ebook that you made available regarding impoving your game as a black man.

In conclusion, I love your blunt and borderline harsh way of disseminating unpleasant 'truths' as it pertains to dating and mating in the black communitity. Keep doing what your doing and I'll try to come out of lurk mode and comment on a more frequent basis.

You have a GREAT BLOG that I have derived much knowledge from that I was able to put to use in my personal life. It's good to see someone who doesn't subscribe to the notion that black men are the scum of the earth.

;);););)
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 1:37 PM

Posted by Star Child:

I'm going to post a comment that you posted from a black male online site regarding a 'get together' that was held in St. Louis:

Any bm now has atleast 5 women on deck...unless he's a weirdo. Its pretty much a numbers game.

Well, according to the comment above, I qualify as a weirdo seeing as how I don't have my five women in rotation.

Yet another 'standard' where I fail to measure up to real black men.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 1:56 PM

Posted by HanSolo:

Great post. Women have to be careful for what the ask for because they got it and as we're seeing, more and more are choosing to not marry in their 20's and then are left behind as spinsters in their 30's and 40's. But that's exactly what the radfems want: keep them from marrying when they're hot and then their only option will be to keep on working for the greater glory of the fempire when they're not.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 2:03 PM

Posted by Obsidian:

@SC:
Welcome aboard! Glad to see you up in here, and don't be a stranger.

Yea, that story of the Brotha out in the midwest is pretty deep, ain't it? And yet, that is where we are in Black America at this point, and to be frank, I honestly don't see any end in sight.

Feel free to checkout the archives of posts and stay tuned for fresh content both here and over at JFG!

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 2:43 PM

Posted by Star Child:

@O:

I am honored that you took time out of your schedule to reply to my post. Be assured, that I've already read through ALL of your archives and was able to learn a lot about your site and numerous other blogs that I now frequent as a result of discovering them in your archives. I'm happy that I found your site first and not one of those 'other' PUA/Game sites that has complete and utter disdain/contempt for black men.

Regarding Black America, things are looking bleak right now and unless we can find some way to get things back on track we could very well be in the last days- I hate to sound pessimistic and all doom and gloom.

P. S.
I really wish that I was aware of your blog when you were going at it regarding the black Stanford Prof who wrote the book "Is Marriage for White People?".

Peace!!!!!!
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 3:11 PM

Posted by The CPT:

@Star Child: Welcome!

You have more power and leverage than you think. Just because you're nerdy (whatever qualifies as that nowadays) doesn't mean that you can't get what you want.
"I wasn't aware in the past that I've been 'voting with my feet' but it looks like I have been doing this for quite some time now. Unfortunately for me, I fall within the 'nerdy' catagory and as a black man this relegates me nearly invisible as it pertains to black women. "

A lot of us have been here and if were are invisible to black women...so what? Are you just thinking about "American" black women? If so there is your problem. Black goes international my friend. Meeting a sista from another country or continent (The Islands or Africa respectively) could be the change in "sistas" that could work out for you. Stop worrying about the around the way girls...it's a big world out there, you've got to know how to shop your goods on the road.

"Well, according to the comment above, I qualify as a weirdo seeing as how I don't have my five women in rotation."

Another thing...kill this defeatist language! You are not a weirdo just because you don't have chicks. Your problem stems from confidence and you being assertive. Continue working out and getting your castle in order...that should be priority anyways. Women will come. Inner game is first recognizing and taking inventory of yourself. If you think of yourself as losing then so you shall. You CAN easily have 5 in rotation (and this doesn't mean having sex, but just access to their time/company/affection, etc.)but you have to shake off your fears for one and take a few risks. Women smell fear on a guy. Never show any fear. You'll get it soon enough.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 3:40 PM

Posted by Star Child:

Thanks, for the words of encouragement CPT!!!

As of yet, I haven't ventured out to entertain any other women than Black American women. I'll make it my goal to begin seeking black women from an international perspective.

I'll continue working out and if you and Obsidian can recommend any books or websites then I would be GREATLY appreciative.

Peace!!!!!
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 4:02 PM

Posted by The CPT:

@ Star Child

No problem, that's what we are here for. In the meantime there are a couple of things you can do before diving into a bunch of books and blogs.

1. Keep getting in shape and working on outer appearance. As you get older you'll benefit.

2. GET A PASSPORT! If you want international, go international but also have one just in case. If you ever get with a woman that likes to travel this will be a golden ticket.

3. Get shot down a few times. Yeah...it's hard but go at some targets that sort of make you uneasy. Don't try and make a fool of yourself but see if you can come up with a creative way to get their attention. If you're in a bookstore and you see a woman in a section that interests you also, spark up conversation by asking if she's read a certain author or what her interests are...if she's willing to talk, you might have something. If she says she's not interested wish her well politely and 180 but with your head held high.

4. For starters there were a few books written that made me re-evaluate how I saw myself in the Dating Market. One that comes to mind is: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

When the real work starts, you're going to have to shake off that "I'm too nice" personna...and this is coming from someone who used to be the same way. You can still be nice, but you're going to have to be more than that if you want to win. This is a battlefield! Of course check back her for game and O has Justfourguys.com up and running. We've got your back...just remember the biggest change will come from within.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 4:15 PM

Posted by deti:

Obsidian:

What are your thoughts on white male/black female pairings? Seems to be one of the most uncommon pairings, and it looks to me like neither are too interested in dating the other. IOW, white men just aren't attracted to any but the apex, most attractive black women; and most black women just don't seem interested in dating white men.

From the looks of things, there are a lot of available white men.

When I was a 22 year old single man in graduate school I was interested in a black woman who turned me down flat, attributing it to cultural differences and "it would just be too weird".

Thoughts?
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 5:02 PM

Posted by Obsidian:

@Deti:
Very good question, since I've addressed Swirling quite a bit here at the O-Files. I think will be better addressed in a stand alone post itself, so stay tuned for this later this week! If you don't mind, I'd like to quote you for that post. Please let me know...

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 5:14 PM

Posted by Deti:

Sure, obsidian, you can quote me.

Here's my point: there are a lot of available white men and black women. But, it looks like cultural differences keep them apart.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 6:38 PM

Posted by B.P.:

"Here's my point: there are a lot of available white men and black women. But, it looks like cultural differences keep them apart."

Relatively few Black women are interested for much the same reason they aren't interested in--when near their prime and childless--respectable Black men they view as average: the men in question lack enough swagger, height, looks, or SES status.

The strong, independent, "don't need a man" sensibility common among MC/UMC Black women makes it especially hard for them to "settle" for men realistically in their market. In effect, many of these women prefer to have a child via an uncommitted man who really turns them on, rather than traditionally adjust in pursuit of more likely long-term security and companionship.

Moreover, most Black women have a social and historical awareness whereby they realize that White men will tend, if not explicitly, to view them as an interlude before searching for a relationship that has "serious" long-term potential. Cultural "difference" by itself is merely a minor, complicating factor.
Tuesday, August 13th 2013 @ 12:50 PM

Posted by Adonis:

@BP

MC/UMC stands for what?

@Star Child Welcome. It is funny because my favorite PUA is David DeAngelo. But I met his work before I became racially conscious (Tariq Nasheed)

@Deti welcome bro. I love your posts on Dalrock. So, you being here is a small honor in my book.

@Obsidian I still have to comment on Trayvon. I am glad I waited tho.
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