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Friday, August 9th 2013

10:30 AM

A Game Of Tools

"Anything that can perceive, can be deceived."
-The Evolution of Desire

"I knew what their rule was: Girls like this love it when guys buy them drinks. But David X had taught me better: Girls don't respect guys who buy them drinks. A true pickup artist knows never to buy meals, drinks or gifts for a girl who he hasn't slept with. Dating is for tools."

-Neil "Style" Strauss, "The Game", pp. 155

I recently had the very good fortune to stumble on two highly insightful pieces of information on the Internet, one of whom I have sent out to others online to get their reaction, and which has appeared here at the O-Files; for those who might have missed it, please share with me the following remarks by a lady commenter of another highly popular online venue that specializes in relationship-related issues:

"I’ve meet several guys recently through shared interest/hobby groups. All of the men have been in their mid-late thirties, and all of the men have been established professionally. Each guy has been more than willing to spend their money on me by taking me on fancy dates in the city. I admit to feeling slightly guilty about the amount of money being spent, since I don’t believe that I will be dating most of them for much longer. I don’t really see any of them as the potential “one”, and I’ve offered several times to split the bills, but they’ve insisted on spending $50-$100 dollars on me per date.

One guy, who I’ve been on a few dates with, decided to take me to the new Italian hotspot in the city called Sotto. This was after he had already taken me to have dinner at a fancy sushi restaurant. At Sotto, we drank lots of wine, talked, and shared dessert together. Afterwards, we walked around the city for hours.

Another guy has taken me on many more dates, including inviting me to a wine social that he was having at his home. The more that I hang out with him, the more people in his life that he keeps introducing me to. It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest. On the last date he and I went on this past Thursday, he admitted having feelings for me while we were lounging on a couch in some trendy bar.

As I said earlier, I don’t think that I will be dating these guys much longer, and I plan on letting them know my thoughts about things soon. I’ve just been enjoying having fun, but I’m not ready to settle down with anyone quite yet. I feel like being honest with them, at this point, will be the best thing overall."

At the same time I saw the above quote, I also happened to stumble across a lively discussion taking place at Very Smart Brothas, a guest post written by one Ms. Maris, who bemoans the current state of affairs with regard to dating (read: she's a bit perturbed by the lack of enthusiasm along these lines on the part of the Brothas): “Come Through” And Chill: In Defense Of The Cheap And Lazy-Ass Date

As you can easily see, that discussion garnered upwards of 900 comments - easily the most commented upon post in recent VSB memory - and so it stands as a kind of barometer for what the Black community - are at least a certain sector of same - regards as important. Dating and mating, matters. 

It. Just. Do. 

I bring all this up because, over the past few years, much has been said and handwringed over the issue of "Ethical Dating" - there have been numerous "takes" on this matter, and they all have one thing in common: 

They all frame the discussion in terms of Men duping or otherwise attempting to deceive Women, into having sex. 

This is the frame for discussion in Clarisse Thorn's famed (or infamous, depending) article, "Ethical Pickup Artistry" - the obvious implication being, that Pickup is somehow inherently unethical. Then, we have Susan Walsh's take on the matter at her blog Hooking Up Smart, and which she swears is meant for both genders - of course, only when prompted by yours truly. And, how could we forget all the Strum und Drang over "Nice Guys(TM)", the single biggest bone of contention to be picked with them, so their detractors say, is that they are being nefarious in their dealings with the ladies. All of these "concerns" are again, framed in a way that suggests, or gives the impression, that ONLY Men are or can be guilty of Deception in Mating - when we all know that isn't true. 

Hence, my placement of the lengthy quote from Ms. Just Having Fun above. 

Why is all of this important?

Well, for one thing, I post it above because it validates yet again an old Game adage: don't listen to what Women say, watch what they do. This lady made these remarks in a largely ladies-only forum where she was fairly certain that she would be in safe company - she clearly told on herself. It stands as good an example of any I can find, of my next reason as to why I'm making a stink out of the whole thing today:

Because Deception not only abounds throughout the animal kingdom when it comes to mating, where BOTH sexes engage in it, it makes up a crucial aspect of said animal kingdom's mating strategies - and this includes humans, like the one quoted above - and which leads me to yet another reason on my part as to why I post all of this:

Because notions of and pleas toward "morality" in our time when it comes to mating, are really attempts to control or otherwise regulate Male Sexuality. I've been giving all this a lot of thought of late and have plans to further flesh out my thoughts along these lines, so definitely stay tuned. But in the meantime, suffice it to say that the biggest ones attempting to make a case for how and why MEN, should be "ethical" in their mating practices, almost always come from people, because this includes Men as well, who stand to gain the most by cajoling such Men into "acting right", and who have the most to lose if they "don't" - consider most Women. If a guy is ambiguous or otherwise outright deceptive in his mating tactics, it could cost her bigtime, even today in our novel age and environment; she could be duped either by the guy in question or by her assuming things about him that may not in fact be the case, into mating with him and incurring formidable costs as a result if he had no intentions of sticking around for the longterm. Now, consider a Man who touts the "ethical" line - whether he knows it or not, whether he believes it or not, he IS a competitor of the supposedly "unethical" guy; if he is able to convince most other guys to be "ethical" it raises his own chances at successful mating (and if he's already mated, it reduces the chances of said "unethical guys" poaching his mate, so don't attempt to argue this line of reason, I already gotcha covered). Hence we see the true reasons and motivations by some to argue these things along "ethical" lines - because they have skin in the mating game, that's why - and by appealing to "doing the right thing" they hope to keep competitors and the objects of their desire in check. 

Now, having said all of that, let us go back to Ms. Just Having Fun, shall we? Let's dissect what she has said, for the benefit of budding Gamesmen in the round:

"I’ve meet several guys recently through shared interest/hobby groups. All of the men have been in their mid-late thirties, and all of the men have been established professionally. Each guy has been more than willing to spend their money on me by taking me on fancy dates in the city. I admit to feeling slightly guilty about the amount of money being spent, since I don’t believe that I will be dating most of them for much longer. I don’t really see any of them as the potential “one”, and I’ve offered several times to split the bills, but they’ve insisted on spending $50-$100 dollars on me per date."

OK, stop right there - notice right off the bat what she doesn't mention: these guys' looks. In that I happen to know this lady commenter fairly well by her numerous previous comments in the online forum in question, I happen to know that she places a very high premium on guys being attractive - and her not mentioning these guys looks at all, is a dead giveaway for me in terms of where she was going from the get go. Why is this important? Because, in our day and time where the vast majority of Women work and can earn their own money, they are no longer bound to a guy for financial reasons - she can now choose the guy she really wants, based more on physical attraction reasons, and not only that, but she can do so at a time where she will incur minimal to no cost socially for doing so - indeed, if anything, she will be lauded for it. 

The fact that she didn't mention how these gents looked tells you all you need to know, fellas - she wasn't attracted to them from the word "go" - so, why did she even go out with these dudes to begin with? Well, she said it already - to have fun. Lots of Women can and will go out on dates with guys they're not hot or wet for at all, because they're bored, or would like to get out and about, and that Boyfriend Experience(TM) (more on this below) is a powerful drug - especially when said Women in question haven't been out "on a proper date" in awhile. In fact, it is not at all unusual for a Woman not to have gone out on a date in months - sometimes, years(!) - so again, this sort of thing is not at all unusual. Trust me, LOTS of Women do this, and you know what? If they were straight up about it, I for one could respect that (I would never do such a thing, of course - the O-Man ain't a charity). But really, how many Women are doing that: "I'm not that into you at all Henry, but I really would love for you to spend a small fortune taking me out tonight"? 

Come on.

Secondarily, notice how she's met these guys - a variant of what some would refer to as Social Circle Game. Personally, I am of the view that it doesn't work, and isn't worth the time or effort put into it, and this anecdote is just another feather in my cap along these lines as far as I am concerned. For every success story you will hear about such meetings, you can be sure there will be four, five times as many crash-and-burns. Like the one(s) above. Take heed. 

Third, notice how she mentions that all of the Men in question were more than willing to spend their hard-earned money on them, in a vain effort to woo her over - which, as she says herself, doesn't work. Let this be a serious lesson to all Male eyes reading this: in 2013, Wallet Game, is not only the weakest form of Game a Man can have, IT IS ALSO THE LEAST EFFECTIVE. At best, she'll be around as long as the money is, and at worst, all you'll wind up with in the end is broke from chasing down chicks who were never all that into you in the first place, and who just wanted to "have fun" - at your expense. 

Fourth, notice her mentioning of what has become known in certain circles as "the purse reach" - yet another deceptive ploy on the part of the female to see if the guy's gonna blink or not. And, sadly, as she points out, there are far too many Simps and Saps who rush into that check where angels fear to tread. 

Let's continue...

"One guy, who I’ve been on a few dates with, decided to take me to the new Italian hotspot in the city called Sotto. This was after he had already taken me to have dinner at a fancy sushi restaurant. At Sotto, we drank lots of wine, talked, and shared dessert together. Afterwards, we walked around the city for hours."

OK, so this guy's wasted arguably hundreds of dollars and easily four to five hours or more, and not only is he clueless, but she has no problem in the least taking him for a ride. SMH...

"Another guy has taken me on many more dates, including inviting me to a wine social that he was having at his home. The more that I hang out with him, the more people in his life that he keeps introducing me to. It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest. On the last date he and I went on this past Thursday, he admitted having feelings for me while we were lounging on a couch in some trendy bar."

Epic. Fail. Going all in like that when you haven't had her in your bed, FIRST, her heels pointing to High Heaven and her calling out for Jesus in semi-coherent orgasmic bliss, while you're plowing her for all she's worth between her thighs, only guarantees you getting what this guy got - looking like the utter Fool that he is - on his dime(s).

Are we learning yet?

"As I said earlier, I don’t think that I will be dating these guys much longer, and I plan on letting them know my thoughts about things soon. I’ve just been enjoying having fun, but I’m not ready to settle down with anyone quite yet. I feel like being honest with them, at this point, will be the best thing overall."

Well, by all means, don't rush; the night(s) is still young. I've taken the liberty of posting this lady's remarks around certain regular hangouts and venues of mine online, asking people if they thought if what this lady did was "ethical" or not, and, no surprise, the results broke down largely along gender lines: Women saw nothing in the least wrong with it, while Men saw the lady as little more than a flim-flam artist. In fact, Women by and large saw it as the guy's fault for not being able to perform a Vulcan Mind Meld to determine the fact that ole girl ain't feelin' him like that - plus, the ladies feel that if the guys in question are giving their money away, that's on them. 

So, be advised, lads - there are many, many, manymanymany ladies out there who can and will have a ball on your dime, and string you along all the way with nary a pang of guilt. 

Of course, this lady is conning these guys, and it happens a heck of a lot more than we're all willing to admit, let alone bemoan in MSM writing - hence, the Rise of Game, and in particular, my unique contribution to same, which I refer to as Cafe Date Theory. It repays close study for the Gamesmen in the round, for if they adhere to the instructions as laidout therein, not only will they save much more money and time, and immediately screen out the Hucksters in a Blue Dress in the process, but their Notch Count will go up considerably, too - which is, at the end of the day, what the game is all about if you're a guy out here on the modern day Savannah, that is the 21st century mating marketplace. CDT effectively addresses all of these concerns, and is also highly efficient as well - trust me, I have tested it out in the field, numerous times, and to great effect. If any one of our Saps above had applied it to Ms. Just Having Fun, she would have jumped ship like the Rat she truly is. As it is, here they all are, getting played like I don't know what, and costing them quite a pretty penny for it. 

Read the post again, and do the math: "several guys" can mean what, at least three? "$50-$100" a date - let's split the difference and say it's $75 a pop - nothing to sneeze at in these hard days and times. And each guy taking her out at least a few times each - so, at the very least, we're looking at each guy going in for no less than a buck and a half, and in one case we know of, the guy's gone in for much more than that, since he took her out at least three times, if not more. 

Sad. 

Now, consider what the O-Man could have done with a fraction of the time and money, using the patented CDT System: $75 buys me seven brief CD's with Women, all of whom have already been at least
partially prescreened and qualified; the CD allows me to compliance test them to see how hot they are for me, or not; and spending no more than an half an hour allows me to assess things quickly, while at the same time not wasting my time in mating effort that's going nowhere fast. As I make clear in my post on the topic, if things are hot, I can easily convert the CD into an insta-date, and apply straight forward Seven Hour Rule on her from there. If not and things are for whatever reason a bust, I've lost nothing but 30 minutes and about $10 - I can live with that. 

Could you? 

Ask yourself, which is better: Game in general, and Cafe Date Theory in particular, or going the route these poor bastards took? What do you think would get better results?

A final thought:

As I said above, I happen to know this lady fairly well from reading her many comments over the course of at least a year in the popular online forum mentioned earlier. She's Black and happens to "swirl", ie, she's only interested in White guys. In my study of the Swirlin' Sistahood, one of the reasons why they go this route is because Brothas tend to be more hip to the Game (YES, it's true, Brothas by and large, and comparitively speaking, have more on the ball when it comes to the Seduction Arts than do White Guys, don't hate) - they understand what time it is these days, as well as understanding the true sexual nature of Women, and thus are much less likely to do the "traditional" dating thing than are White guys, again comparitively speaking (I'll be addressing the White Knights in Blackface in a future post, stay tuned) - and as a result, some Sistas are seeking out White Guys for what I refer to as the Boyfriend Experience(TM) - being wined and dined and "courted" (all the while proclaiming to anyone within earshot as to how strong and independent they are - hypocrites, I tell you!) - and by all accounts, at least some of these White Guys are being took, hook, line and sinker for it. 

My Brothers from Another Mother, consider yourselves forwarned - don't be a Tool.

Now, for the record, because I know there will be people, Women and at least a few White Knights in Blackface, who will take umbrage at what I've said - in no way am I saying that girlie above, or any Woman in general, is obligated to sleep with any Man after he's shown her a good time. She and they, have every right to determine who they wish to spend their time and share their beds with, if anyone at all. 

Fair enough. 

But let's not fool ourselves either - what this Woman did, and millions of Women like her do all the time, IS unethical - fullstop. She led these guys on into believing that they actually had a chance at a relationship with her, knowing full well that she wasn't feeling them like that, and instead of being a Woman about it and telling them that right from the rip, she continued to live a baldfaced lie right through her teeth. Some of my colleagues call her a whore, and I for one think that is inaccurate and an insult to honest whores, who earn theirs the right and honest way - this is a Woman, who is a fraud. She is presenting herself one way, while in truth she is something else. I point all of this out, because contrary to what we've been led to believe, Men hardly have the lock or corner on deception in mating - Women can write quite a few volumes on the matter, too. And yours truly fully intends to count the ways the Fairer Sex can indeed be quite trecherous in their machinations.

As always, a word of caution is in order: please do not take what is written here to mean that "all" Women are "like that"; while they are relatively rare, the fact remains that all Women are not inclined to "have fun" in the manner that our lady above suggests; indeed, there are Women around who will make it clear that they have no wish to get a Man's hopes up by accepting outings and gifts, when they know from the rip that they ain't feeling them like that. Such Women are to be lauded and pitied at the same time, because their "sisters" make it much harder for them by making a lot of "nice guys" very bitter for being took out on these here cold streets. 

But since when have Women ever truly been friends to each other?

Hmm?

Now adjourn your arses...

The Obsidian
14 comment(s).

Posted by Swit:

The only rationalisation that she missed using (afaics) was

"Well, I didn't like him off the bat, but I didn't know if attraction could develop, so I let him spend loadsamoney on me :) but it didn't :("

and didn't her comment kill the thread? everybody knew that it was poisonous because while your interpretation is skilfully put, everyone knew someone ho-ing when they read it
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 11:58 AM

Posted by deti:

Spot on, Obsidian. I knew exactly where you were going with it when you first posted the question at HUS on the thread where the woman's comment first appeared.

The adage of "don't spend money on a woman you're not having sex with" and "don't argue with a woman you're not having sex with" are really just the flip side of the woman's advice to "hold out on giving up sex as long as possible".

This is why men are told not to spend money on women they're not having sex with. This right here -- because you're getting nothing for your investment.
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 12:08 PM

Posted by Swit:

it's their lack of any sense of moral duty toward men that really makes me dislike such women, they really think that they can charge for the social company of their vagina like some kind of taxi with a meter running.

"Of course he paid! I bought my vagina along to the expensive restaurant, he bought his wallet"

Is it really so hard to see the problem with stringing along a guy that you don't like, just to get access to his wallet?
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 12:56 PM

Posted by Obsidian:

@Deti:
Hey, what up Man! Glad to see you here! Thanks for stopping by. Just sent you an email, check it out and holla back - we need to talk. Thanks!

O.
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 1:00 PM

Posted by HanSolo:

This sounds similar to men having sex with women where they don't want to have a relationship but the women do. In the end each party needs to look out for what they want and enforce the boundaries. A woman shouldn't be having NSA sex if that's not what she wants and men shouldn't be spending boatloads of cash with the expectation it will get them the relationship they want.

If people have no boundaries and "border guards" and just expect other people to respect their "territorial integrity" they'll often get taken for a ride.
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 1:35 PM

Posted by deti:

RE the "handwringing" over the "ethics" of hooking up:

All I can say is that if men will be expected to be above board about their intent; then women should be similarly expected to demonstrate basic honesty.

Men are expected to state upfront that they're about the bang and that's pretty much it. Fine. Then I think women ought be expected to be up front and say: "I really just want you to take me out to nice restaurants and for drinks and for you to pay for it all; but I really don't like you all that much and don't intend to date you for very long; and I'm certainly not going to have sex with you. We good?"

Think about it, guys and gals.
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 1:40 PM

Posted by Obsidian:

@Deti:
Yup. The big problem with all this is that Men don't speak up about it. The time is passed to be "strong and silent" - that's a sexist trope that has long outlived its usefulness. The time has now come for Men to be quite vocal about those things we do not like or deem to be fair - and I have chosen the arena of mating and related Sexual Politics issues to stake my claim.

And by all accounts it is working; already, today's post is one of the highest in terms of site views I've had all month, which is saying alot since the O-Files has increased its monthly site view hits by nearly 10K in the past month alone(!). I'm duking it out something fierce in an all-ladies forum on Facebook as I type this, they are livid that I called them out, LOL.

Anyway, yea, this is gonna make some waves. Do us all a favor and spread the word about this post. The more Men see this, the better armed they will be from the likes of the Sassys out there.

O.
Friday, August 9th 2013 @ 5:18 PM

Posted by TedD:

well laid out!

so we are in this day and age of "equality"" still playing the same old game? cant say im surprised...

this fellas is why Game is important. Not so you can score easy (unless thats your goal), but to make sure you arent taken advantage of! no one is looking out for your interests but you!
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 9:33 AM

Posted by Obsidian:

@Ted:
Excellent point about Game that really does need to expounded upon much more than it currently is; Game indeed is a way for Men to protect themselves out there in these days and times.

O.
Monday, August 12th 2013 @ 10:31 AM

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Saturday, August 17th 2013 @ 2:23 AM

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Wednesday, August 21st 2013 @ 12:04 PM

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Thursday, September 19th 2013 @ 4:24 AM

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Friday, December 6th 2013 @ 5:40 AM